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Just today I read a lovely self inquisitive piece on my friend Dave’s blog My Caravan of Dream entitled “What’s been keeping me from showing my face around here Part 1”. This entry was an honest look at Dave’s own self, a personal discussion turned inward which hit me rather hard as I too have not “shown my face” on my blog for so many months.

I have spent many days and nights agonizing over my desertion of Chronicle of a Lone Sheep and have been seriously wondering what it is that I’m doing with my life. I say I want to write, I say I want this or that and what I end up doing is the opposite of what I intend. It’s always a block of the mind, a thought that says, “not today, I’m too tired.” It’s a postponement here, a justification there and suddenly one finds one’s self totally lost in no man’s land having deserted even one’s own passion. This is what I am experiencing and my mind wants to give it a thousand justifications, a thousand names and labels: “It’s a hiatus”, “It’s a break”, “It’s not a priority at the moment”, “I can’t, I have writer’s block.” Sometimes I think, “I just don’t care” – but actually I do care.

Nuages de Passage

Without the creative outlet of one’s passion one begins to drift so far away from Life like any passing cloud – drifting from that which creates a state of Being and quality of Mind allowing one to become Present, merging space and time to reveal the NOW. What is ‘that’ if not the energy of creation realized through the Act of LOVE? When we do what we Love then there is never an alterior motive, never a means to an end – never a thought. Rather, we do what we Love simply for the Love of doing without question, without answer, without motive, without thinking, isn’t it so?

I want to STOP thinking my world into subjective meaning, manifesting a cock-eyed version of the Truth. Instead, if I AM painting the sky in Silence, creator and creation moving simultaneously as ONE just as Life and Death walk hand in hand then I AM inseparable from LOVE, from LIFE.

Merged in Love

Why then do I postpone the doing which I Love, separating my self from the Sky, from the Act, from the Undoing? Why do I find excuses not to Act in Love when Love is such a meaningful Act? Why do I long for any ‘break’ in which I can have some ‘time’ to do what I Love, and then when this ‘break’ arrives I run trying to escape? Why do I run from Love when Love is what causes me to feel ALIVE and to feel reconciled with this life which I often find so empty and meaningless?

What is ‘this life’ which I’m talking about? It’s the life of preconceived notions, the life of projected thoughts, the life of the mind which finds every reason in the world to complain, finding existence ‘difficult’. It’s the life of the ego which is self propelled, which has a life all its own, which is almost totally automated and machine-like, conditioned, and running on the energy of its past associations and impresstions blocking the present flow of creative energy with its history of “I can’t” and “I don’t know how” and “I’m too tired” and “I’m not good enough” and “I don’t care” and on and on and on.

Why does life feel so empty and meaningless? Isn’t it because I have a thought, an expectation that life should be meaningful? But why should I have such an expectation? Why do I think that life is an offering of meaning to every last little ant on this God-forsaken Earth? What have I offered that Life should recompense me with the Energies to LIVE?

It’s the thought which blocks me. It’s my history of thoughts projected onto some image of the future which blocks the creative flow of Energy which exists NOW (and what is Life if not Energy?).

Actually, how can life offer meaning to I or I offer meaning to life? Are Life and I not ONE and the same? I look up at the sky and feel so small, but is the sky something ‘big’ and I something ‘small’ or are we both made up of the same ‘stuff’ of stars, of moons, of universes and galaxies, of particles and anti-particles, of every thing “great” and “small” – of every thing that was once No Thing? Can I separate being from non-being? Sky from shore? Galaxy from particle? Dark energy from energy? Form from formless? Is infinitely big greater than infinitely small? Can any thing be separated from any other thing when the Source is ONE and the same?

All offerings must be removed from the sacrificial table once and for all as the meaning of Life IS LIFE ITSELF! I AM LIFE. I AM the SKY! That’s the simple beauty, the simple Truth which is NOT subject to interpretation or conceptualization, and which I am unable to fully realize as a conceptualizing being. My thoughts blind me. They block me from realizing that Love and Life and Meaning and Energy and God and Creation and Presence and Now and whatever other words one wants to use are not just every thing, they are one and the same No Thing. Who will save me? The sacrificial lamb? The superman? No, not when I am both shepard and sheep, not when I am both creator and created. One should remember that every thing is subject to deterioration and degeneration and death. When the thing becomes no thing can it ever be subject to annihilation? Can the source (I AM) be subject to annihilation?

With this thought which has yet to be fully Realized in thoughtlessness I wonder at the strangeness of the human world which has essentially become the world of the human mind and its external manifestations, all of which are limited in time and space, and most of which are conflicting, turbulent, and violent. I must remember that DOING what I LOVE is not actually doing anything at all, but UNDOING the conditioning which binds me to my repetitive history of thoughts and their associated external reactions pulling my body like strings on a puppet. To LOVE is to UNDO what is NOT LOVE – a paraphrased realization of J. Krishnamurti.

Mise au Point

There is a great adjustment to be made to the seeing eye of humanity, a great clarification. There is a realization which until now remains a blind spot to the eye of mankind who like a flower must unfold effortlessly to BE and SEE the world as it IS.

Who will open the eye of a man if not the man himself? Can a blind man open the eyes of a blind man? Can a SEEING man see on behalf of a blind man? Each man must realize for himself what it means to bloom, to flower, to OPEN up and become utterly sensitive to the vast space that is LIFE.

I must remember that ‘out there’ is just a temporary role I play because Life is a state of being (internal) and not an external involvement in the ‘things’, in the forms which are so transient.  We are not the ‘things’ are we? If LIFE were made up of just the temporary forms of ‘things’ then death would not be a part of life would it? But death IS part of Life as all forms are meant to perish and shall invariably do so. Therefore transience, impermanence, degeneration, or whatever you want to call it – death – seems to me a part of Life, neither a beginning nor an end. Therefore, who I truly AM can neither begin nor end.

Can I undo who and what I think I am? Can I find LOVE by realizing what Love is NOT?  Here alone lies the pathless path of LIFE. NOW alone can I RISE in the Act of LOVE.

I AM, therefore I LOVE and Write.