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Believe me I have all the good intentions. Oh! …. You don’t trust me? Well, you have all the reasons to not trust me but you must know that I am on solid grounds to believe in what I am saying. Agreed that I promised you……yes… and I have no hesitation in conceding that this wasn’t the first time….oh! Please don’t start counting all those promises I broke…have patience with me…I am working hard on it. I know I went on giving you promise after promises but believe me always with good intention. Like the other day….why…the very last evening when I said I am going to switch on the light. I had the intention to switch on the light like all other time. Why wouldn’t I want not to switch on the light, when all my life I have fought the darkness without and within? I agree with you in toto that we cannot have any command on our external, and ever since then, you know I have restricted my being in circulation, I am trying my best to not to indulge in the affairs that do not concern me or which has potential to shape into any kind of a barrier obstructing my inner growth. Yes, I got into those heated arguments with a friend on two occasions last week but that was an aberration. I always treated him as someone who wanted to know, who was open to new ideas but….forget now…. I have realized. It’s hard to see beyond preconceived notions, because they prejudice our eyes. How can one undo others? How do we reach any one’s mind when people start feeling insecure the moment you utter a ‘no’. They take your ‘no’ as an attack on their beliefs, their very survival. They raise an invincible wall of ego around them, your words or intentions cannot penetrate this wall. What you confront is a defensive ego which in turn evokes your ego and then it’s neither exchange of thoughts nor a battle of ideology but a war to settle who is right.

I know you won’t believe me but I will show you….I will switch on the light…you shall see my room illuminating…last evening too I did walk towards the switch board….but I lost my way in the dark. I mean I was just helpless. Any reasonable person will appreciate this…will understand my predicament…I know…you don’t have to keep on repeating… I failed to keep up my promise and do you know how ashamed I feel? I didn’t promise to please you. It’s not that I heard you in one ear and out the other. No, I was serious. How many times I must not have thought now I am getting up, now I am moving towards the switch board…..despite the dark….dark cannot be used as an excuse when it’s to switch on the light…but I can only say I got lost in the dark. Believe me, I tried to find my way in that pitch-dark alley and all the time I thought I am on the right track but I ended up somewhere in the domain of ‘there’. I realized my state, the light of my realization was illuminating my path or I thought so but…in those very moments an impulse arose from the pit of my stomach and here I am now, back from an escape route, injured and feeling humiliated.

Steeeeeeep tracks by Jared Tarbell

Steeeeeeep tracks by Jared Tarbell

I know I failed to keep up to your standards but does this say all of me, all of how hard I am trying?  At the receiving end I can only say that you have no valid reason to doubt my intentions. I was sincere…I am always…why can’t you see this. Why can’t you appreciate what all I did or undid all these years? You can’t proclaim all my efforts a sheer waste despite all my failures. If I am a stone wall as you called me just now I wouldn’t have arrived here, I wouldn’t have known what I know….I know……oh please don’t keep on harping those words …I know, knowing is not enough and I also know, knowing that knowing isn’t enough too isn’t enough. I know I must put my knowing into act. I must walk the talk. It may seem very little in your eyes but as you always say ‘undoing’ isn’t easy. It needs a ‘special desire’, a ‘willingness’ to act. Desire and means aren’t enough. I have realized this fact the hard way but I know now and you will see. Yes, I failed to switch on the light. But didn’t we climb those steep stairs of that invisible edifice, hand in hand? Weren’t you witness to every step I took forward…every effort I put on to ascend those very flights? I remember your words so distinctly…I can quote verbatim…It was you who evaluated our position on the invisible ladder and claimed we have arrived on the first level. Gear up for the second level, you had pleaded, cautioning me of the probable obstacles on our way. I concede it took us years to arrive here. There’s always teething problem when you start afresh. One cannot move at hundred miles. But by now we had found some momentum. I know we need to put more of conscious efforts and believe me I was prepared… am completely prepared as ever. And we did start to ascend, step in step, holding hands, sensing the flow of energies circulating through our veins. Never had I felt like this. Never had I felt the climb so smooth and the second flight seemed easily accessible. You remember, we sang a song to express our joy.  But…I still do not know what happened. How could this have happened? I freed my hand from your hand (I must have… though believe me I do not remember. This is your version of my fall) and jumped onto the railing and slid down. This all happened in a spur of the moment I had no command. I only remember you climbed down, took my hand and simply said, forget. Let’s start afresh, though you cautioned me, and that’s my experience too. When we have refined energies which make us ‘see’ hard as easy, but then, you have a perennial enemy sitting inside you tempted to use it. And this is what happened. I got excited, permeated with a false sense of confidence and out of excitement I simply slid down.

Excitement, natural or chemical-generated, is transient. It fizzles out abruptly and when this happens one is bound to fall. I have no hesitation in confessing that the downward slid was beautiful.  Believe me, every fall feels beautiful hence lucrative in the course of the fall but once we touch the ground we realize what we have done, where have we arrived. Climbing needs efforts. It’s a real hard work against the gravity, within and without, which keeps on pulling you down. Descent needs no effort.

Believe me I realized two things, in the very moment you took my hand…was coaxing and pulling me up, asking me to forget and jump from the depressing mood I was in. Firstly, it was, more or less, a thought I ‘saw’, a revelation in a sense. I thought, what kind of a person I am, so full of contradictions; what kind of a companion I am, who would bring down his companion rather than ascending step in step with him; giving promises after promises and not keeping them ever ready to offer false justifications wasting away both of our lives. There was another thought, that now, sitting here in this depressing mood, lamenting for the lost climbing time and energies, I am  falling into another trap generated by this very low thought which will dump me in some worse place. And believe me, in the very spur of the moment I realized what you always meant by- forget, every time you would insist when you thought I was feeling low. ‘Jump’ you would yell at me. Yes, jump, I said to me and said loudly and this provided me enough of energies to get up and initiate our ascent afresh.

Step into the LIght by 'Sax'

Step into the Light by ‘Sax’

You don’t know how hard it is for me to look into your eyes, to face you but where can I go? It’s a lonely path. We are lucky to have found each other by an unknown stroke of fate. Yes, the ‘fate’ brought us together and let’s not fail the fate. No more excuses, henceforth, no more false justifications, I promise you. I know words do not mean much but I am resolved now having seen the effect of the cause. I take it as blessing in disguise as you always say in the moments of failure. Yes, let’s use the failures; turn it inwards, turn its negativity into a positive drive. It’s simple; so far we do not make it sound difficult. Here is no looking back. Here is nothing behind us. Here are these stairs, neither hard nor easy to climb. They just are, invisible but capable to make us rise. We just keep on climbing. We treat every flight arrived thus far as our starting point. I am still hand in hand with you going up flight of stairs to get to the first level. Believe me I am not going to take the railing, never going to hit the ground…never again…I don’t want to ever  realize what a shameful act I have done. I will do and I will undo what I know and I am not going to question what I know, because I know the repercussions of questioning our own ‘knowing’. I am not going to give any attention to justifications once I decide and take a firm step forward hand in hand with you. I am never going to pull you down.

Believe me I am not made of stone. My heart is torn today. Stones do not have heart. Can’t you see my heart bleeding? I have had hard time breathing.  But, as you always say, I am going to take it as blessing in disguise. I have never confronted myself as I did today. This is an eye opening experience. Henceforth I am going to command my moods. I am going to squeeze life and extract the utmost within the constrain, the situation, physical time and energies will allows us.

You won’t be a silent witness any more. I am no more that horrible monster bent upon to demolish the basic structure of our very existence. I am no more, what you think I am, a docile helpless creature wasting her ‘knowing’, bent upon to defeat her own fate. I know what you mean when you call me ‘the luckiest of the lot’. I am going to turn this sad story into a euphoric experience. I am going to transform.

 

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