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I want to feel ‘normal’, though not in the undefined definition of the unchangeable, and unchallengeable normal – ‘What is common is normal.’

I want to feel normal in the way I understand ‘normal’- By being actively present in the momentum of actions. This is all I demand from me. And this is what I find the most difficult to implement. I wonder, not in my potential to find this normal state,  but in the fact that I fail despite  my umpteen resolves and conscious efforts. This infects my mental equilibrium pushing me ‘low’. I take refuse in the labyrinth of escape routes. Believe me it’s more of a trap than a labyrinth. They confuse you, cloud your thinking, amend definition of normal by throwing you off balance and demoralize you so much that you do not know if you can ever walk out of the labyrinth of escape routes. It renders you uncertain and leads you astray.

Most of the time I am either struggling or in this state of being, which by my sane definition isn’t normal. But how do I attain my normalcy?

Please don’t tell me how? Because despite traversing these tangled paths, I know how. Yet, I fail and wonder how?

My situation isn’t different than the person I encountered once on a lamp-posted street. The sad man sat  under a tree, seemed like forever. I had asked him if there was any matter with him, assuming he was paralytic.

His reply was unbelievable. In his own words, paraphrased a little by me -‘Once upon a time I was not unlike you, shunting to and fro, these very streets, going nowhere, arriving nowhere. But, to my good fortune, I found a real street, narrow but full of illumination. And believe me, there were no lamp posts. The very next morning when I gathered my things to get on to this self-illuminated street, it was not to be found anywhere. I tried and tried again, all through the day and all through the night but failed. I failed to get even a glimpse of it. But this was not the cause of my bewilderment. The cause of bewilderment was that when I thought- maybe, I thought I walked in the direction of that street but in reality I didn’t get up from here. You know, we traverse more inside our heads than in real. And I knew this fact, so, this time and for the last time, I gathered my things and got up. I saw me seeing gathering my things and getting up. After ascertaining that I had gathered my things and saw me seeing my getting up, I sang a song to ascertain that I sang a song and I wasn’t dreaming or day dreaming. I had actually sung the song, the one I like the most and I heard me singing the song. And then only I moved in the direction of that self-illuminating street. But believe me, after a while I found me just here, under this very lamppost, my things lying like it was never gathered. I had actually never gone anywhere.’

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Labyrinth By Abe Bingham

Was he mentally sick? How can he not go when he claimed he went and not only that, he ascertained he went and tried not once but eight times? That’s what he claimed- eight times.

But he was so right, I realized today, in the wake of my state of helplessness.The metaphysical paralysis has permeated my very being, so much, that despite knowing the path, despite having traversed a little, I am finding it hard to get out of this labyrinth.

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Beaming along by Phil and Pam Gradwell

From some unknown source a thought cropped up inside my head- don’t look for the path, because the path is here. What is here is real. I don’t have to go anywhere. I just have to undo going anywhere to arrive here.

 

When we UNDO GOING anywhere we ARRIVE HERE.

 

I sensed I was returning, walking unwalked.

 

 

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“This is where it all begins. Everything starts here, today.”- David Nicolls

“Every thing is HERE only I am NOT”- A S

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