At times I feel flabbergasted by the very thought that I am not happy.

Why am I not happy?

Doing my best to ‘see’, using my third eye, I evaluate the very question and I deduct – ‘because there is no joy here.’

A  voice from somewhere insides of my skull decides to question my very conclusion using dialectic method of Socrates. It questions- ‘why is joy not here? Where can you find joy if not here?’ It emphasizes on ‘here’.

I had to think. I couldn’t ignore this voice I normally do my best to ignore. It speaks to me whenever I am on a cross road, battling between a yes and a no. I listen to it as and when I have sufficient refined energies at my disposal. In these moments- I prefer to call ‘moments of revelation’- the voice, invariably, speaks in first person. It said- ‘Joy cannot be found in any assumed or dead time; not in any dream world or in any thought. It also cannot be found in any space though my mind drives me to various escape routes and I return ever injured and with a bloody face, with a feeling which is diagonally opposite of joy.’

‘But what stops you from being here? Why you ever want to be ‘there’, an unreal place to be?’- The voice seems charged up by my refined energies and speaks as second person.

I conclude without thinking, I can find joy here and here alone. But…’

This was a big but which needed an answer. I hunt for the answer in the dark crevices of my mind.

The voice comes to my rescue again, says- ‘Life is what is before you’- It emphasizes on ‘is’  ‘and not in any dark corner of your mind.’

The light at the end of the tunnel by Peter Jackson

The light at the end of the tunnel by Peter Jackson

What a simple fact! Where else life can be? It can’t be found in my memory bank which holds what I deposit there, consciously or subconsciously. Why do I search for answer inside the dark of my mind which is nothing but a self operating tape recorder following the dictates of nature? Life is very much before me as the voice pronounced. I had always known this without knowing.

Like a child I laugh. Then I became cautious of my laughter like an inhibited grown up idiot. Why don’t I go and embrace the life for whatever it is? What stops me?

The question must have contorted my face with pain because I have confronted this question umpteen times. Here is nothing to stop me from being ‘here’. I must have resolved innumerable times to become one with the very experience of life and yet ‘here’ seemed so elusive. In order to find joy in life, I know I have to find life first and lo! it is right here looking into my face, ever inviting, ever receptive.

In order to find joy in life, I know I have to find life first and lo! it is right here looking into my face, ever inviting, ever receptive.

Life, as such, is neutral; it chooses no one but receives every one with open arms who chooses it. One cannot opt for life unless one accepts what is. Because life IS and HERE cannot be anything other than what is; stable and unchangeable. Forms inside the space-time-continuum can change but life prevails. But I have been constantly running away from ‘here’ traversing through escape routes in the domain of ‘there’, which isn’t real. How can I find here?

The voice spoke again, but not something I didn’t know- ‘Here is absence of there.’

‘I know… I know’- I said impatiently.

‘Knowing isn’t enough’- The voice wasn’t in any mode or mood to keep its articulation shut.

‘I know that knowing that I know isn’t enough’- I clarified.

‘Do you think that’s enough?’

I resisted saying I know. The voice was right. Prescription doesn’t cure the disease or knowing that I have a prescription in my pocket.

‘Undo.’- It said and added after a short pause- ‘Undoing of ‘there’ brings you here.’

‘I know undoing is doing in all respect. Rest is happening.’- I said.

He was kind to me. He just pronounced the word which undoes all words- ACTION.

knowing of switching on the light will not extinguish the darkness. Action of switching on the light will undo the dark

Before I could get into the action of ‘undoing’, it said – ‘knowing of switching on the light will not extinguish the darkness. Action of switching on the light will undo the dark.’

I got up from my state of half-sleep. I realized I was half-asleep ever since I woke up. Life was before me. I just had to initiate walking towards it, unwalked because I need going no where. I have to stay put all goings.

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Life by Franck

‘There are pits and bumps on this pathless path between you and life that may cause fear if you react to them. They all emerge from behind you with the sole aim of holding you back. Stop reacting to them. They will vanish if you do not give your history your attention.’

After a short pause voice resumed- ‘Your attention actually gives them significance. You also must know that fear dwells in our reactions; Fear clouds the very presence of life.’- Voice seems sympathetic but was speaking like a messiah.

I wanted to say- I know, but realized I would be reacting.

‘We are used to react to everything be it a place or time, inanimate or animate, color or shape, sound or silence, light or dark, intellectually, mechanically or emotionally and soon we, subconsciously, associate with these ‘objects’ of reactions which in turn assumes the position of our energy source. When they appear they take away our attention. One which takes away attention draws our energies. Attention works as conduit to our energy accumulators. When we hold our attention intact, we feel energized’- voice said by way of explanation.

  ‘Nothing is real until you are real’

‘Nothing is real until you are real’- The voice said the ultimate truth in no uncertain words.

I moved towards the switch. I could sense life lurking somewhere nearby and sensed Joy emanating from my insides.

 

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I cannot live a moment before I cannot live a moment after – A S.

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