I beat myself up yesterday.

Today I stood before the mirror and surveilled the damage which appeared to me from head to toe. I can’t say that anyone looking at me from the outside would have seen the bruises which I had inflicted upon myself the day before, but to me they were clear as day.

I hear you say, “Oh yes, now I know what kind of ‘beat down’ you’re talking about Rula. You’re talking about injuring yourself from within, psychologically.”

Generally speaking I agree with you, but I would add that outside and inside are not mutually exclusive. Within and without – mind and body – are linked by the chain of cause and effect, the cause effecting and the effect causing. And then, relatively, where is inside if not in the insides of outside and vice-versa?

I hear your voice again: “So what happened next? Did you learn anything from this assault upon yourself? What shall we call this happening, self on self violence? Hahahaha!” You couldn’t hold back your laughter when you saw the image reflected by your own words – Rula beating up Rula – what a comically absurd scene!

I laughed too for one emancipated moment. But then my mind took hold of me once again.

“You are insane. How many times can you injure yourself with the same thoughts and fears of yours? How many times can you repeat the same mistake? It’s been over 20 years now and you’re still gearing up for more? It’s pure idiocy!”

Someone else chimed in just then. I’m not sure who but she made it clear that I should forget about my duties for the day and simply go back to sleep. “Doesn’t it sound like a good idea Rula dear? Don’t you think you could use this time out to think, to organize your mind, to plan out your new future which will never include another victimization of yourself ever again?”

I have to admit that for a moment her suggestion appeared sound, even reasonable. But then I began to project what my day would be like in bed back asleep and dreaming. How would I feel in the aftermath of this “sound suggestion”?

Her words were alluring but suddenly I recognized a pattern within them. I stood up facing the mirror and spoke: “I am the one who caused the injury, so I must be the one to face the effect!” I heard My voice concluding out loud as if I were responding to an entity that actually stood before me.

“Who are you talking to?” I heard you ask.

“Yes whom?” I responded.

“There is no one here but YOU. The ‘other’s are just ghosts, just thoughts. Whatever you do don’t follow them. There is no ‘good Rula’ or ‘bad Rula’, there is no ‘history of Rula’ that can reveal who YOU ARE. Just be here NOW and you will never experience a moment of madness ever again. Sanity thrives in the power of now because Sanity is not a point of view. Sanity is harmony, stability, objectivity. (Otherwise your sanity will depend upon the side you have chosen to believe in. The other side, of course, will declare you ‘insane’). Can you SEE?”

I’m not sure if I can SEE at this very moment though I’m somehow sure that I once Saw and once Knew. I recalled last night’s immense labored effort to write a piece for the blog. I was so clouded, so closed and unwilling, so unreceptive to the Present moment which is the only moment that ever actually exists. I was trying to write a piece about the Boson Higgs particle relating it to my understanding, rather my sensing, of the metaphysical realm of Reality.

When I sense I Know, I’m open and free of the thoughts which bind my understanding. But yesterday it was as if understanding the intricacies of BEING were a complex math problem that I would have to sit down and figure out from scratch over and over again. I would never KNOW the Truth. I would forever have to sit down and calculate it, each time forgetting and each time re-learning it intellectually, yet Being IS and nothing more. What can be simpler?

“Can’t you SEE what you have discovered just now? You wanted to write about the theoretical Higgs Field which essentially disrupts through an almost instantaneous vibration the Nothingness that IS to force into existence the ‘thing’ which is bound to Be.”

“And?” I responded hesitatingly.

“And you ARE what you are seeking to find! You ARE what IS and what is bound to BE. You ARE Nothing and Everything! Can you SEE?”

Higgs-Boson

I do. My mind suddenly clears and a Light shines through the darkness. Now I sense the Truth of your words, wordlessly.

“We as human beings have, probably since the beginning of our creation, questioned our own origin. Even the earliest man may have wondered from where he sprang forth, and looking up at the vastness of the sky he may have recognized from an innate place deep within that the nature of this vastness, the nature of our origin, must be Infinite. Why? Because man’s mind doesn’t only question his own origin, but also the origin of the origin!

It’s strange that if you tell the human mind, for example, that the Universe was created by the Big Bang, the mind will immediately wonder “but what did the Universe expand INTO? What was there before the Big Bang, and moreover, there must have been a cause to effect this Big Bang”.

This question is the innate realization that a ‘finite’ answer to the question of Creation is very unsatisfactory, and yet we could not fathom the scope of what we recognized innately by means of science or faith or logic. We need no proof to Know that Infinity is the answer (no one questions the existence of nothing nor does it need any proof), and yet our mind can’t seem to rest without defining the scope of a fact that is recognized as Being, beyond measure.

“So what would the discovery of the theoretical Higgs Field prove?”

“Nothing.” I reply without hesitation. “It suggests that Everything comes from Nothing. Everything IS Nothing.”

“But you already knew that didn’t you? You knew it even as a child, but when you asked your elders they gave you a word to describe what you already Knew wordlessly.”

“Yes, I was told to call the Infinite ‘thing’ (or nothing) I sensed, “God”. But they didn’t stop there. They also gave me definitions of the indefinable, a scope of measure for the immeasurable, and it’s here that I began to question what I already Knew. It’s here that I became even more clouded, more conflicted, and ultimately, more afraid.”

“And Now?” You smiled as if you knew a secret.

“Yes Now. Now is the answer. Now is the origin of Life. Now is the only moment that ever does and ever will exist. Even if you occupy some other dimension in space-time continuum you will occupy it NOW. Even when a star in the universe explodes millions of light years away as you eat your lunch both events will be occurring in the NOW. Even if you were to travel back in time what you would experience in the past you would experience NOW. There is no other time but NOW. NOW IS the Infinite. NOW IS the origin! NOW is what IS and has always been, omnipresent!”

“And YOU? What are you?”

“Whatever I am IS and always will be NOW. I exist as the Infinite, as do all other manifestations which arise from Nothing. I am the origin. I am my Amness. I am…” I hesitate to use the word which has for so many millennia been reduced by language to such a narrow sphere of understanding – reduced to the confines of the thinking mind.

I look in the mirror once more and I no longer see the projected image of myself. There is no mirror in fact. There is no one here to respond to but still I speak out loud, smiling as the vibrations of Life appear from nowhere – from no thing.

“I AM”

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