Le Fugitif - By Edgard Mazigi(Le Fugitif – by Edgard Mazigi)

I have been home all day having gone nowhere (as if there are really places to go other than escape routes or to fulfill external needs), taking care of my sick child. We watched TV, we ate, and we did some coloring. This morning I was feeling so hopeful having the entire day ahead of me which is a welcome change from the days in which I used to wake up every morning dreading the fact that I would have to face yet another day of routine, another day of dullness, another day of repetition, and boredom, another yesterday to live (or not live) through. These thoughts which I would wake up to every morning created an almost instantaneous atmosphere of fear, depression, lethargy, and sometimes even despair, the gloom almost always determining my approach towards my day. I would often ask myself, “How do others wake up every morning? How do they find meaning in looking forward into the day?”

Today I did look forward and this time instead of dullness I projected some potential for growth which created within me a sense of energetic optimism. “I have so much to do!” I thought after some inspirational talks with a genuine friend. “I have so much to UNDO.” Yes, there is so much to undo, and as the day went on and life passed me by, the hand of time dragging my thoughts forwards and backwards, I began to feel the unbearable rise of boredom and with it, the sense of dread.

Hovering Clouds - By Edgard Mazigi

(“Hovering Clouds” by Edgard Mazigi)

(“Boredom was number one on your list this morning of things to undo Rula, and now you are face to face with boredom, what will you DO? Will you UNDO boredom or will boredom undo YOU?”)

Yes, the rise of boredom was in the process of unraveling ME, drawing me into a whirlpool of depression, anxiety, and a perceived loneliness and even meaninglessness.

“I am bored” I found my mind repeating over and over again without my permission. “Call someone, tell them to come and distract you with some form of escape from this boredom or else something bad will happen. You will continue to feel bored and depressed and you will have to LIVE and FACE this boredom, anxiety and depression! You don’t want to do that now do you? You can face later, you can battle later, you can postpone your conflict with boredom to some other time. Right now you are bored and you need some help before you…before…”

“Feeding the beast” by Edgard Mazigi

Normally my bored self doesn’t dare ask this last question, let alone answer it as this would become an obstacle to the bored self escaping boredom through its usual routes, feeding itself with enough energy to return with vigor time and time again. Yes, this is a deadly process of feeding the BEAST within. By the time the bored self gains momentum the decision has already been made to ESCAPE because the bored self has already visited those imaginary places and will now proceed to drag me along with her. The mental visit always precedes the actual visit, closing the doors on any other possibility. By this time, one is impulsively propelled.

I called an acquaintance who came over for a while and who could have given me the escape route I normally seek out, but this last question which hung without an answer…the one which the bored self dared not continue ask…this question raised my sense of awareness ever so slightly providing ME a tiny opening allowing me to avoid seeking the escape route with my usual fervor. The outcome of this awareness and confrontation decreased my desire to indulge in my personal vice, resulting in the avoidance of that escape route despite having sought it out. The result was a success for the weak yet alive Intending Self, gaining quality energies from this confrontation.

The acquaintance left and the energy of this tiny win felt exponentially greater than what I expected from such a tiny win. But inevitably my mind began to wander again, wasting that energy, and an hour later I am here again facing boredom. This boredom, for me, is a dangerous self, a siren’s haunting song luring my dead from their graves. Depression hears the call, anxiety digs herself out, and addiction already lies on her filthy couch shoveling ice cream and smoking cigarettes. A smile is hard to come by in such a state as when the Intending self loses the reins of the Sacred Colt of NOW.

Suddenly I responded to the question which the bored self almost made the mistake of posing several hours earlier, “Right now you are bored and you need some help before you…:

“…Before what? Before I feel so lonely that I disintegrate? Before I feel so anxious that I burst into tears or perhaps flames? Or is it before I begin to forget that I am bored and sit down and write, undoing the boredom not in thought but in ACTION? That’s it isn’t it? Boredom is AFRAID of ME. Yes, she is powerful and I am weak…yet the bored self is still afraid that I might postpone her escape routes long enough to negate her, to undo her, to take back the reigns of the Sacred Colt here and NOW, shedding the skin of boredom and realizing that I have been standing upon a stage playing a role not of my choosing, a role which has hypnotized me into forgetting it is just a role!

So I am here and now writing without justifying any kind of postponement, without escaping – I am not postponing negating the thought of writing in the ‘next’ which is leading to boredom and desire for escape, nor am I postponing undoing the feeling of boredom because I am simply writing and not escaping. I am here to FACE the haunting music of that wretched siren self in an act of pure defiance and rebellion!

Come hell or high water I shall ride the Sacred Colt of NOW and Bore boredom to death with ACTION, the doors of possibility having opened wide in the only moment of existence, the NOW.