Like any other ‘thing’ the universe had a beginning and the cosmologists believe it came into existence fifteen billion year ago with a ‘big bang’. It’s difficult to speculate what preceded the big bang. It’s impossible to envision ‘nothingness’ ‘notime’ traversed through. How this no-creation looked like with nothing to look at and in no- time. Moreover, there were no eyes to see the ‘unseeable’. There were no minds to define and shape the formless. We are so attuned and governed by the idea of form that when we think of infinity we construct a scene where in the finite space expands endlessly. We visualize an ever expanding ‘thing’ we call ‘the endlessness’ rather than imagining formlessness. We are so possessed by the thought of space and time that all the situations we picture or project is always in a space and time.

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‘A BIG Bang’ by Art Line 2011-2014

Like any other thing ‘I’ too had a beginning and going by Rene Descartes deduction- Cogito ergo sum- I think therefore I am- ‘I’ came into existence when a thought clung to me and said- ‘I’. Besides, watching me watch for years too made me believe- I am my thought. This self consciousness or shall we call it ego-centralism is what probably separates us from other species of animals, who are aware but not self-aware.

Impossible questions arise consciously and my deduction is that consciousness and nature do not go together. It’s the subconscious or what we also term as unconscious that nature uses to drive us like a shepherd uses his stick to drive the heard. And the laws (Metaphysical) ensure that we put not many questions. Questioning is confronting the nature. I confronted the nature and in the middle of this an impossible question emerged on the horizon of my skull – who am I before thought.

Paradoxically, this was a thought asking who I am before me.

One cannot question the veracity of one’s existence because in doubting so one is confirming the veracity of one’s existence. The manifestation of a dream confirms there’s a dreamer. The question is who this dreamer is before the dream is? Chuang-t-zu stopped at questioning if he was the butterfly he was dreaming or was it the butterfly now dreaming he is Chuang-t-zu? I extended the question wondering if they both were part of someone else’s dream. I also wondered if they will ever be able to come out of this dream because where ever they land can be a dream inside those dreams they just walked out.

Dreamer is an integral part of his dream as the dreamer like a thought that has metamorphosed into a thinker by pronouncing- I am. But who is the original thinker, like the first cause, who thought and the thought proclaimed- I am. Who thought the thought which thought- I am?

Who is the dreamer?

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‘I’ is an identification of ego. Ego likes to think that ‘I’ think, to boast, and depict oneself taller than those around, likes to create a world with himself at the center. Thus, ‘I’ is an ego centered ‘I’. This ‘I’ is the dreamer. This ‘I’ is a boaster who emerged from a thought I am that.

This ‘I’ isn’t real. A thought created ‘I’ can’t be real. A dreamers dream is just a projection. But the dreamer is real. I thought popped up, go beneath the thought. Find out who I am before the thought.

‘I am not my ego’- said assertively my spiritual friend once

He might rake in ‘soul’, I had thought, as I was not in any mood to get into any debate on the commonality of having a soul. He didn’t bring.

‘You mean your true self?’- I had asked for the sake of asking. Rather to give a direction to the conversation of not my liking.

‘Yes, this is what I mean’- he had easily agreed and added-‘and I must arrive here.’

‘But how do you arrive there?’- I had asked.

Yes, this is an impossible question every spiritual being must confront.

Questions are capable of answering, but only when one looks deep into it. My question answered me- ‘You are your story. Undo.’

And I thought, astonishingly- ‘How correct.’

Ego is self identification. And this identification of the self contains what you think you are which needless to say is my history, which, apart from my identification with my body is also identification with my associations, my beliefs, my likings and disliking, my projected personality and so on. And they all prevail because of their history.

So as to ‘undo’, I thought, un-identify with the ego. This undoing will turn into real doing by disconnecting me from my past. Then only, I will have nothing to feel proud or unproud of, to feel good or bad, to take pride and boast, to feel hurt of.

But what is ‘it’ that makes me think what I am thinking, make me realize what normally is beyond, makes me inquire, frame questions, quest, wanting to transcend ego?

Is this ‘it’ not me?

This ‘it’ doesn’t seem to have a story. Form can have a story. Nothingness or timelessness can’t have a story. ‘I like this ‘has a chain behind it to hold it for me to identify with my liking. ‘IT’, it seems is a free ‘element’ formless, omnipresent.

What is IT?

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Who realizes the ‘ego’ as ‘ego’ and resolves to register its very presence? Who IS and not its history?

Isn’t it the very awareness of Ego; ‘Awareness’, the formlessness?

Awareness IS, ever present and not in the past or assumes an assumed time and projects. It’s the ego that travels in time, to and fro. Awareness is aware of this fact, but here and now. It doesn’t plunge into past, it brings the past here. It doesn’t assume, it watches. Thoughts arise from this ego and its association. All thoughts take form of a self and announce I am.

I questioned the very proclamation of ‘I’. How can I am be pronounced I am in the absence of ‘amness’. History isn’t ‘am’?

When I pronounces I AM its pure ego. When it is omnipotent amness, it is awareness.

‘I’ is ‘amness’ before becoming a thought who pronounces ‘I’ and starts identifying with it.

I am my awareness, the element from timeless nothingness before my thought, an element from ‘things’ that arises from nothing.

“Things are born out of  a thing called ‘nothing'” : A.S.

“Thought shattering it self against its own nothingness is the explosion of meditation”: J Krishnamurthy

 

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